[Itís not what you do but how you do it. Thatís what friendship is about]
Ė paraphrased from the last House episode.
I nearly spit my coffee on my computer when they said it, its exactly what Iíve been struggling with for 2 weeks.
Thatís where I stand with Jordan.
I am not mad about just being friends; it was expected since we werenít in a real relationship and I wasnít in love or even feeling it start. I knew this wasnít going to continue after we left. I am still unsettled by how he told me because the callousness of telling me online and then ignoring a very thorough email detailing how upset I am makes me feel like our friendship no longer exists. You donít have that kind of discussion online with someone you sleep with who is your close friend to rein it in and Ďjust be friendsí. No, Iím not your girlfriend, but I would think you would want me to understand you as well as possible to make sure our friendship survives the change. Thatís why I canít trust that we are friends at this point.
It still irks me a lot. I do not want to sleep with him again, that is not the part that makes me feel shitty. Itís the lack of openness that apparently persisted for some time before he spoke up. I think about the last month before this conversation when I would ask when we go to bed and he wasnít interested in sex if it was because he didnít want to have sex with me. I think about every opportunity he had to say what he really felt that he brushed off. I still feel like he was handling me so he could pursue something else. I would have been ok had he told me that flat out. I wouldnít have been all that pleased, but I can understand that we werenít dating and all things come to an end, and I believe that that end does not have to be bad.
I canít shake the feeling that he is only being nice to me now because he needs something from me. After the skype fight following the karaoke party, we didnít talk for quite a few days. We saw each other at pick up soccer the next day and it was a tad tense. Later that night, when I cooked for my other friends who were in town, it was frustrating that all he did was take over my computer with Goldberg, eat and dash. The next time we actually talked was when he wanted me to help with the logo for the charity event. I was excited to think that our skype conversation hadnít destroyed our friendship, but in hindsight, I think he just needed me to do that task for him. Then the other day, again after a period of radio silence, he says we should make food and watch Oz. I was supposed to have a couchsurfer and Jaime was over, so watching Oz was out. But frankly, I donít feel like cooking for him anymore. My distrust of the situation has poisoning my cooking goodwill. I donít like facing the possibility that Iím just being used. So basically, Iím peacing out of the social scene for a while.
I have weird dreams about all of this that are produced by my underlying impulse that he did this so he could go pursue someone. The last dream had both Jordan and Kozak. I was briefly still with Jordan in the beginning. Then things shifted behind the scenes of my dreamscape and suddenly Kozak was coming to visit for a day or two, from Bitola. (as if he would randomly be in MKÖ) I remember being in that absolutely retarded state of adoration and elation, walking arm and arm with Kozak everywhere, introducing him to my friends. And then when we were at dinner somewhere, Jordan happens to come in with Goldberg and Gordana, and he was holding Goldbergís hand until he saw me watching. The dream was so realistic. It threw me into such confusion that I almost texted Jordan upon waking up to tell him he was a jackass. Luckily, I came to my senses before making another giant error such as that.
I donít understand how he would avoid trying to make the effort to talk to me initially to make sure our friendship suffered as little as possible. I know that expecting openness and honesty now is a bit ridiculous, my accusations about him and Gordana following the karaoke party were completely out of line and Iím sure some permanent damage to our friendship was done that night and I canít even clearly remember what was said. I do know that he negated his original apology for telling me online, and that was the initial problem I had with all this. So essentially, we are back to square one and like Tom Petty, IÖ wonít. Back. Down.